look @ me now

Rule #5 – get lost

Today I’m here to tell you a little life story. The story of college. The story of actually hating every aspect of my life. The story of how I got here, to today. The story that’ll hopefully make you feel a little less alone.

So for starters I sort of skipped out on the whole college process so to speak. I didn’t tour many schools and I didn’t apply to very many either, mainly because I thought I had a narrow search of where I wanted to go. For the majority of my senior year I was going to be a Razorback; that was until I decided to be mad at the world and go as far away as possible which ended up being the University of Nebraska. When people asked me why I was going there I legitimately didn’t have an honest answer for them. Needless to say August came far too quick and I  wanted to be somewhere else before I even got there. So talk about rough. I found myself  feeling so alone and out of place. Obviously Nebraska is no Texas and while everyone may be Nebraska nice, I just wasn’t into it. It was never really a sense of being homesick, but when you hate where you are the chance to be anywhere else is pretty remarkable. Just picture it– 2:00 am blasting my Moms phone until she wakes up, and then when she finally calls being able to get absolutely nothing out through the obnoxious tears that seemed to be never ending. This happened at least 3 times a week, for months…M O N T H S people. And when I wasn’t crying to her, my pillow was getting some serious pillow talk. Exhausted. Scared. Helpless. That just about sums up my first semester of college. Heck my first year. An experience that I thought I would love and thrive in, L O L.

Perspective 

I spent sooo much time and energy hating everything that I honestly forgot what it was that made me so miserable in the first place. I should’ve tried harder. Tried to keep an open mind. Tried to find the things that I liked and grow to love them. I think when we get in this state of “it’s all bad” we choose to forgo any possible good. I was surrounded by so much good. Even more so, love and support. So find that. Find the thing that makes leaving your dorm worth it. Find the thing that distracts you long enough to forget that you’re “supposed” to be sad. {lol s/o to Pi Phi for Monday night dinners & giving me people like Fran and my momma Hannah, talk about sending me some angels ;)}.

One night I was sitting in my friends Fran and Mckenna’s room surrounded by people I had come to adore. These were people I had convinced that I was leaving at the end of the semester, people I had taken for granted. I had been constantly telling myself that transferring was my only option. Things changed. I changed. How could I possibly leave them? What reason was so strong to make me leave? The fact that I let myself be miserable? The thought of having no idea what I was doing? I didn’t know. Heck, I still don’t know. And that’s 100% without a doubt O K A Y.

It’s easy to get caught up in an idea or thought. A dream. I had pictured myself going out of state for school for as long as I can remember. When what you thought you wanted turns out to be something different you sort of lose yourself. Lose yourself in so many ways that you can’t imagine being able to put yourself together again.  Everyone always talks about how you really find yourself in college, but I feel like that statement misses the point. You’re supposed to get lost. You’re supposed to mess up. {Granted, I hope you don’t spend your entire college experience making miserable mistakes.} Those instances make you stop to look at your life. Look at where you’re heading, where you are, and where you could be. The moments where those around you either lift you up or tear you down. That’s when you know. That’s when the picture you see in your head of the life you want becomes a little less hazy.

It gets better.

So I found the things and people in Lincoln that made me feel inspired and excited enough to want to stay. But it would’ve been okay if I hadn’t. Finding YOUR best fit is so important, and whether it’s where you are or somewhere else, go there for you. I let myself give everything the school had to offer a real chance and without that I’m not sure if I’d still be here. I’ll admit, when I got ready to head back to school this year I was anxious. Afraid of getting to that place again. I got here and it just felt right. My roommates, Brooke and Mckenna, bring so much to my life that I never knew I was missing– aspects I’m so grateful UNL brought me. I don’t know if it’ll feel right for ever, but it does right now and boy do I love to see myself say that.

College is scary, new, overwhelming, underwhelming, fulfilling, lonely, and sooo much more all at the same time. It’s weird dude, and you’ll probably find yourself in a time where you don’t know if you’re where you’re supposed to be or what the heck you’re doing. I promise it happens to us all at some point, so don’t think you’re alone in this. We all get lost, and we all get found. So take your time. Find what you like, discover what you hate, and take it all in. Grow from what you learn about yourself. Get involved– you’ll never find new things to like about where you are or what you’re doing if you stay in your room all day…believe me I did that and um yeah don’t recommend it.

Don’t focus too much about actually “finding who you are,” just begin to put yourself first when you feel lost and the discovery will come all on its own.

Best of luck this year my friends 🙂

RJ

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